MOUNT VERNON — The pain caused by sexual abuse can have a significant and lasting impact on a person’s emotional and psychological health. Victims often experience increased feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety and depression.
“Oftentimes these individuals struggle with this throughout their whole lifetime,” said Christopher Fiumera, a psychologist in Mount Vernon.
Psychologist Howard Fradkin, a survivor of sexual assault who specializes in counseling other male survivors, said one of the main reasons child sexual abuse can have such damaging impact is because it is ultimately a betrayal of trust.
“It’s very confusing because in these types of situations there’s grooming … facilitating the victim to feel safe and comfortable and trust the perpetrator of this sexual violation,” said Fradkin. In situations of clergy abuse, the grooming often extends beyond just the child.
“It almost always involves developing trust with the victim’s family,” Fradkin explained. “You always think that a priest is safe.”
After counseling more than 1,000 male survivors, many of whom were abused by priests, Fradkin found a common pattern leading up to the abuse.
“(The abusers) often gave them special privileges within the diocese. These boys would help with the Eucharist, with the services and that was a very special privilege to be given these kinds of responsibilities. And then they would start to invite them to have a more personal relationship with him,” Fradkin explained. “Somehow or another the priest gets the victim into an isolated place. That’s another part of grooming too, separating a child from a person who could protect them.”
After establishing mentoring relationships with victims, many priests would try to convince them that the abuse is a way of expressing their care and affection for the child. The physical contact often starts more subtly — an abuser will graze the child’s knee or rub their back and see how the child responds. The touch will progressively become more invasive.
“They mislead them to think that they have a very special place and that they’re getting treated in a quote-unquote special loving way,” Fradkin explained. “A lot of times they can’t even conceptualize that what’s being done to them is abuse.”
Even if a victim of childhood sexual assault wants to report the abuse, it can be difficult.
“When children are victimized, there’s a certain loneliness to it. Sometimes they think that they’re the only one that this has ever happened to,” said Fiumera.
Even as adults, victims may worry about being judged by others or not being believed. Fear and shame may keep them from speaking out. Fradkin said that male victims struggle to tell others they have been abused or assaulted due to a fear that they will be seen as “less of a man.”
“They take it on as this is their fault,” said Fradkin. “Boys are always taught that they’re supposed to be in charge and in control, especially in sexual situations. If they don’t stop it, they think they’ve failed in their masculinity, failed to be a strong man.”
Fradkin said it’s common for victims to ignore the trauma, hoping that it will eventually go away. This is rarely the case. Instead, some survivors try to cope with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling and other risky behaviors.
“They find ways to numb out the shame that they’re feeling. They don’t want to face it. They feel too ashamed to talk about it,” said Fradkin.
Another tactic victims may use is minimizing or denying the abuse, which can worsen emotional problems and put a strain on relationships.
Fradkin said that one of the best things a victim of sexual abuse can do to move forward on the path to healing is simply to reach out for help. Seeking professional help or connecting with other survivors can be helpful.
“They find out they’re not alone and that’s a really necessary part of healing,” he explained.
For friends and family members of sexual abuse survivors, the best thing to do is to listen without judgment, support their decision to speak up and most of all, believe them.
“The biggest thing is to believe the person and reaffirm for them how much courage it’s taking for them to be speaking the truth and ask for help,” Fradkin advised. “To affirm a man’s masculinity is extremely important. … Let them know that you’re willing to listen and you’re willing to hear their story and find the help that they deserve.”
“It is absolutely possible to heal,” he added. “It is possible to thrive.”
